getting hosed

[ABSOLUT CHARVEL]

This is from newshound Dave Barry's colonoscopy journal:



I called my friend Andy Sable, a gastroenterologist, to make an

appointment for a colonoscopy. A few days later, in his office, Andy

showed me a color diagram of the colon, a lengthy organ that appears to

go all over the place, at one point passing briefly through Minneapolis.

Then Andy explained the colonoscopy procedure to me in a thorough,

reassuring and patient manner. I nodded thoughtfully, but I didn't

really hear anything he said, because my brain was shrieking, quote,

'HE'S GOING TO STICK A TUBE 17,000 FEET UP YOUR BEHIND!'



I left Andy's office with some written instructions, and a prescription

for a product called 'MoviPrep,' which comes in a box large enough to

hold a microwave oven. I will discuss MoviPrep in detail later; for now

suffice it to say that we must never allow it to fall into the hands of

America's enemies.



I spent the next several days productively sitting around being nervous.

Then, on the day before my colonoscopy, I began my preparation. In

accordance with my instructions, I didn't eat any solid food that day;

all I had was chicken broth, which is basically water, only with less

flavor. Then, in the evening, I took the MoviPrep. You mix two packets

of powder together in a one-liter

plastic jug, then you fill it with lukewarm water. (For those

unfamiliar with the metric system, a liter is about 32 gallons.) Then

you have to drink the whole jug. This takes about an hour, because

MoviPrep tastes - and here I am being kind - like a mixture of goat spit

and urinal cleanser, with just a hint of lemon.



The instructions for MoviPrep, clearly written by somebody with a great

sense of humor, state that after you drink it, 'a loose, watery bowel

movement may result.' This is kind of like saying that after you jump

off your roof, you may experience contact with the ground.



MoviPrep is a nuclear laxative. I don't want to be too graphic, here,

but: Have you ever seen a space-shuttle launch? This is pretty much

the MoviPrep experience, with you as the shuttle. There are times when

you wish the commode had a seat belt. You spend several hours pretty

much confined to the bathroom, spurting violently. You eliminate

everything. And then, when you figure you must be totally empty, you

have to drink another liter of MoviPrep, at which point, as far as I can

tell, your bowels travel into the future and start eliminating food that

you have not even eaten yet.



After an action-packed evening, I finally got to sleep. The next

morning my wife drove me to the clinic. I was very nervous. Not only

was I worried about the procedure, but I had been experiencing

occasional return bouts of MoviPrep spurtage. I was thinking, 'What if

I spurt on Andy?' How do you apologize to a friend for something like

that? Flowers would not be enough.



At the clinic I had to sign many forms acknowledging that I understood

and totally agreed with whatever the heck the forms said. Then they led

me to a room full o f other colonoscopy people, where I went inside a

little curtained space and took off my clothes and put on one of those

hospital garments designed by sadist perverts, the kind that, when you

put it on, makes you feel even more naked than when you are actually

naked.



Then a nurse named Eddie put a little needle in a vein in my left hand.

Ordinarily I would have fainted, but Eddie was very good, and I was

already lying down. Eddie also told me that some people put vodka in

their MoviPrep. At first I was ticked off that I hadn't thought of this

is, but then I pondered what would happen if you got yourself too tipsy

to make it to the bathroom, so you were staggering around in full Fire

Hose Mode. Y ou would have no choice but to burn your house.



When everything was ready, Eddie wheeled me into the procedure room,

where Andy was waiting with a nurse and an anesthesiologist. I did not

see the 17,000-foot tube, but I knew Andy had it hidden around there

somewhere. I was seriously nervous at this point. Andy had me roll

over on my left side, and the anesthesiologist began hooking something

up to the needle in my hand. There was music playing in the room, and I

realized that the song was 'Dancing Queen' by ABBA. I remarked to Andy

that, of all the songs that could be playing during this particular

procedure, 'Dancing Queen' had to be the least appropriate.



'You want me to turn it up?' said Andy, from somewhere behind me. 'Ha

ha,' I said. And then it was time, the moment I had been dreading for

more than a decade. If you are squeamish, prepare yourself, because I

am going to tell you, in explicit detail, exactly what it was like.



I have no idea. Really. I slept through it. One moment, ABBA was

yelling 'Dancing Queen, feel the beat of the tambourine,' and the next

moment, I was back in the other room, waking up in a very mellow mood.

Andy was looking down at me and asking me how I felt. I felt excellent.

I felt even more excellent when Andy told me that It was all over, and

that my colon had passed with flying colors. I have never been prouder

of an internal organ.







On the subject of Colonoscopies...

Colonoscopies are no joke, but these comments during the exa m were

quite humorous..... A physician claimed that the following are actual

comments made by his patients (predominately male) while he was

performing their colonoscopies:



1. 'Take it easy, Doc. You're boldly going where no man has gone before!



2. 'Find Amelia Earhart yet?'



3. 'Can you hear me NOW?'



4. 'Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?'



5. 'You know, in Arkansas, we're now legally married.'



6. 'Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?'



7. 'You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out...'



8. 'Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!'



9. 'If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!



10. 'Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity.'



11. 'You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?'



12. 'God, now I know why I am not gay.'



And the best one of all....



13. 'Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up

there?'