A big thank you and a warm KISS MY ASS goes out to Jeri for sending this bitter ass weather from Oklahoma! All kidding aside, you're a sweetie and I actually love Oklahoma like I love a festering boil on my ass!
For you geographically retarded people out there, Oklahoma, where the winds blow ALL the fucking time, like to send their wicked ass weather to the poor slobs in Texas. And typical of most Texans, then they like to shit on their neighbors to the East, mainly Louisiana and Mississippi! We, along with Arkansas, are already considered the dumbest motherfuckers on the planet, so why not pile on just a little harder!
Anyway, at 4:55 A.M., I awoke to a massive sleet storm mixed with a little snow. Winds were howling out of the northwest (Oklafuckinhoma) and it would cut right through ya. Poor Suzy crapped a fudgecicle while I was busy dancing from one foot to the other. I did contemplate pissing down my leg for warmth, but didn't want to mess up my new slippers.
Anyway, it's freaking cold! During my fifty years on this rock, I've been all over the country and endured all kinds of temps. The three coldest adventures were:
1) Duck hunting in Janaury (9 degrees, no wind)
2) Tournament fishing in February (21 degrees, 18-22 mph winds)
3) Building a pipeline in western OKLAFUCKINHOMA near Elk City (17 degrees and gail force winds)
Let me tell ya about #3. Elk City is directly west of Oklahoma City somewhere near Antartica. Middle of the fucking nowhere. When I was there, they had one dentist and one orthdontist. Strangely, it was the same person. That's another story. Anyway, it was a Friday morning at the hotel, roughly about 3:30 A.M. A blizzard was blowing in from the northwest and I knew if I didn't make my final pipeline inspection, I'd be stuck in Elk City for the weekend. It was my wife's B-Day and I wanted to get home so I could take her to dinner and then give her what she really wanted, my neatly shaved nutsack!
Anyway, I got to the pipeline site about 6:30 A.M. and no one else was there. I slipped on my Carhart coveralls and I walked about a half mile to the section of pipe to be welded next. The sun was barely coming up and I was already frozen and could barely walk. It was too far to walk back to the truck, so I walked over and climbed inside the 42" diameter pipe. I crouched down and even though the pipe was bitter cold to the touch, at least I was out of the wind. But guess what, so was the fucking coyote sitting in the other end of the pipe! I could barely make him out, but it was like there was a mutual understanding, you don't fuck with me and I won't fuck with you!
At some point, I dozed off and just a few minutes later, I heard a welding truck drive up. I glanced to my right and my "house guest" had disappeared. One of the welders built a fire out of some busted skids doused in diesel fuel. After about 20 minutes, I warmed up enough to babble a couple of words, checked the pipe welds, then headed to sunny and warm Louisiana.
I'VE NEVER BEEN BACK TO OKLAFUCKINHOMA!
The End
OooEee It's Cold!
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